Thursday, October 29, 2009

Notes From the Nadir...

I have been overcome by a most profound and deep sadness. I have been able to keep it at bay over the past year by keeping busy, being creative, counseling and generally getting on with things. But I have underestimated how deeply the events of the past 22 years have dug in their claws and wreaked havoc with my being.

Today I weep, wondering what happened to my life, how did I so drastically miscalculate and end up here? What I wanted seemed simple enough, a loving partner with whom I could build a home, a family, a nurturing environment that would support my creative endeavours. I always intended to work hard, to contribute, collaborate and be a "team player". And I believe I did, to the very best of my ability. But you can't clap with one hand or lick ice cream without a tongue.

And then there is the unfactorable "shit happens" that turns up on your dance card. And when it does, well the best you can do is keep dancing, no matter how toe-stepping badly. But I've reached the point where I'd just like to sit out the next few. No names on my dance card anyway and I'm tired of dancing alone.

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